I vant to suck your blood!

Today I had the pleasure and opportunity of being stuck like a pin cushion. No, I’m not an addict. (yet)

I have recently been undergoing some -ahem- interesting tests to see what is going on in my digestive system. For four years I have been experiencing some strange and irregular symptoms (which you really don’t want me to detail), so I figured it was finally time to do something about it.

The first test was, well, one of those tests you don’t blog about. Let’s just say that me and Katie Couric now have a lot more in common, and that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I do not have cancer (or anything else for that matter) in certain areas of my body.

So today’s test was for lactose intolerance. I had to fast for 8 hours, then down a nasty, artificially flavored powdered concoction, and then have a full vial of blood drawn every 15-30 minutes for 3 hours. Yes that’s like 8 vials of blood they took. What’s worse than that is: who knew my veins were so finnicky!?! Apparently after they get stuck once, they get kind of upset and guarded and they get really hard to get back into… (I think it’s my xmen-like regeneration/immune system). Then when the vein wasn’t where the phlebotomist thought, rather than retracting her dagger, she decided she was going to root around in there until she found something… ugh! So I probably got stuck a total of 12-68 times.

Perhaps my phlebotomist cousins can inform me whether or not I have a malpractice suit on my hands. She did compliment me on being so easy going with the needles (which apparently, not all people are)

So now as a byproduct of this latest test, I have become Jupiter – the gas giant. I don’t know what was in the magical powder, but let’s just say it has led to a rough morning and afternoon ahead. This is certainly the roughest part of all these tests and procedures… it’s mostly just a process of manipulating your body to create the symptoms so that people (even nerdier than myself) can then analyze the results.

Enough sick medical talk.

Let’s get to the cool blood sucking part!

No, not that silly… (but I will say, The blood sucking jokes did get a bit out of hand halfway through the test)

What we really need to discuss is Stephanie Meyer and the Twilight Series. I have a lot of friends who are girls, and a lot of them happen to be obsessed with Stephanie Meyer, but moreso Edward Cunningham… or McCullam… or Cullamham… or whatever the Vampire’s name is.

What I don’t understand about the whole thing is this: it’s a vampire book! I know, I know it’s not Dracula – this is a nice kind gentle vampire, etc etc.. but freak… come on people. It’s a vampire book for the pity’s sake!

This gives me great respect for Ms. Meyer, who has obviously taken a genre, previously too silly to ever be taken seriously, and re-made it for a whole new generation of Mmm-Bop loving teeny boppers and their adult counterparts. So props to her (I guess). But I dare you all get me to read it again.

One has tried and one has failed.

11 thoughts on “I vant to suck your blood!”

  1. I’m so sorry you got turned into a pin cushion! And thank you for not going into much detail on your other tests…I hope everything turns out good!

    By the way, I LOVE the Twilight books!! They’re amazing! And it’s not just vampires, it’s werewolves and secret vampire societies and true love and completely addictive! I’m sorry if this makes me sound like a desperate teeny bopper, but I don’t care – I’m a huge fan!

    And his name is Edward Cullen. Sheesh!

  2. Sorry W.E., I have to agree with your friend Annike. The Twilight series is truly wonderful! I have read all three books like five times! Here is the secret: it’s not the vampires or the werewolves or even Edward Cullen (careful, you could get lynched by some women if they hear you mess that name up). The reason the books are such a hit is because the emotions the books drege up in its female readers are dead-on accurate. Every girl has been there (shy, awkward, broken hearted, take your pick), and what’s more, every girl wants to be the recipient of that kind of love. You may actually want to read the whole series and take notes. If you want a girl to swoon at your feet, take your cue from Edward. =)

  3. Dito to the previous comments. Edward Cullen is the next Mr. Darcy, every woman wants her man to be perfect. Too bad it is complete fantasy! And sorry to hear you were a victim to the ‘practice’ of medicine. I feel your pain. I had to do a glucose tolerance test a few months ago to see if I was diabetic. They had me drink a bottle of almost pure sugar and then take my blood every hour for 3 hours. The worst part was the actual drink, and trying not to throw it up! That, and going into shock from the sugar high… Hope they can diagnose the problem soon to spare your poor veins from additional abuse…

  4. Although I feel bad for the medical part of your blog……I think you’re cruising for a bruising to mention Twilight in a mocking manner after trying to make us all pity you. Shameless and it’s not gonna work. You better not walk down any dark alleys anytime soon Mr. W.E. And if you had READ Twilight like we keep telling you, then you would know Bella’s blood doesn’t get sucked because Edward is very concerned with her soul getting into heaven. It is far more than Dracula for girls who like Hanson. Grrrrrrrrr! Shun on.

  5. I haven’t read the books. I am off the radar. And I am excited to see if they come up with a digestive solution so that we can go out to eat with no emergencies.

  6. Ok, that might have been a little TMI . . . I’m just sayin’. However, I completely sympathize with the needle, blood-taking thing. My veins also collapse. When I had the mystery disease at age 11, they took my blood A LOT testing me for mono (I never had it, still don’t know what it was). The nurse had all the gentleness of a blunt axe. She would dig around for the vein almost every time. I was always bruised. So, hopefully they will figure everything out for you soon.

    Oh, and do not mock that which you do not understand or do not research. I only said how much I HATED Hemingway after reading some of his work. Besides, as silly as the premise sounds (and yes, it sounded very silly to me when the niece first tried to recruit me), if the story is good enough to get you to forget that it’s an implausible plot, then the author has done her job well. I mean, I was a complete American Idol hater, and now we all see where I am. In conclusion: Don’t hate, congratulate.

  7. Oh, but do not worry! Although one has tried and failed, one will not fail to try again!
    Maybe I’ll just buy you your own copy so I don’t have to badger you for months to get mine back.
    Hmmm…you do have a birthday coming sometime this summer right?
    Seriously though, I am sad for all of your medical problems and tests. I do not envy you one
    bit. I used to not be afraid or even phased by needles going into my arm until one time a nurse
    couldn’t find my vein that every other medical person claimed was so easy to find. After poking
    me a few times, I became queasy.
    And there is no need to discuss something you haven’t even read! I’m just sayin’ 🙂

  8. My colon understands your pain! Wasn’t the prep for that test the worst! Yucky! I hope is all well soon!

    By the way, when do you want to come play with the Jensens? I am sure we can find some lactose free food!

    Oh, and I am totally out of the loop on those vampire books, but apparently all the moms and grandmas in my ward have read them…intriqing.

  9. I’m told that if you wear navy or blue, the bruises coordinate much better-more of a fashion statement. Hope they find answers for you soon!

    I haven’t read Twilight…yet. Rhia had lent her copy to someone so it wasn’t available…

  10. I hope your medical stuff is all worked out and you’re feeling well.

    I just read almost half of Twilight tonight- my little sister insisted. At first it was a little too predictable for me, but now that I’m into it I’ve got to agree with the rest of the hopeless romantics. Edward does have those qualities that us ladies swoon over- confident, graceful, protective but not overbearing, intrigued by the woman he loves, always a gentleman… that alone makes the book addicting. It’s a pretty easy read though- definitely aimed at the younger generation… oh, did I just say that? Whoa, I feel old.

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