When Buying Meat…

On my recent vacation, I took the opportunity to visit my brother at his place of employment: the full service meat counter of a grocery store chain.  They take great pride in their meats, and boy did he have some interesting stories and perspectives that I felt that we all should know for our own enlightenment and understanding, so we can become more courteous shoppers:

• Don’t point at something in the meat case and say “I want some of that.”  From the back of the counter, you can’t see anything someone is pointing to in the case… unless you basically crouch down and climb inside of it.
• If you can get your fat $%@ into the store and onto the motorized cart, then you can stand up for 10 seconds to be handed the meat from over the counter.  It is not the highlight of my day to walk all the way around the counter to put it into your little basket for you, then give you a commercial-worthy grocer’s smile…. especially when there are other (much more attractive) customers waiting to be served behind you.
• Learn how many ounces are in a pound.  Yup.. that’s 16.  Only about 5% of the general population knows this, apparently.
• Don’t ask me how I would cook this piece of meat.  I eat TV dinners 6 nights a week.  If you don’t know how to cook the meat, what business do you have buying it?  Haven’t you ever heard of the internet, anyway?
• I don’t want your grilling tips.  I don’t want a lesson in meat juices redistribution, and I don’t want your favorite marinade recipe.  Mostly, the less you talk, the better of we’ll all be.  I just want to sell you a bunch of meat.  That’s all.
• Get off your @#$^ cell phone.  I’m happy to help you when you decide to have the courtesy to give me your full and undivided attention.  And yes, I am shameless enough to spit in your meat.
• Don’t ask me “How spicy is the Jalaepno Bratwurst?”  Have you ever had a Jalapeno?  ’nuff said.
• No this is not fresh.  What do you think, we have a slaughterhouse in the back?  Yeah, it’s fresher than any of that Wal-Mart or Target meat which is usually about a month old, but no we did not kill the animal this morning.  If you’re that worried, go buy some jerky.  It’s fresh.
• While I’m on freshness, Don’t dig through the meat case just to find something that’s one day younger than everything else.  Trust me… they’re all equally rotten.
• Don’t order something, then decide later you don’t want it (or it’s too expensive) and just stash it in the nearest refrigerator or freezer case.  At least bring it back with shame on your face… then go hang your head for being an idiot and ordering something you didn’t really want.
• Do you like all your fingers and toes where they are?  If so, don’t come wandering back into the butcher area.  They give us very sharp knives and cold freezers for a reason.  We can hack you up and put you away for a long time before anyone would suspect anything.
• If you’re that anal retentive about getting EXACTLY one pound of meat, you should be spending your money on therapy rather than meat.  1.003 lbs is close enough.  I’m not going to pinch off a little more.
• Don’t ask me “how much is…”  It’s written there… yup… right there on the case.

Thank you, and have a nice day!