Going Commando

So, I decided a funny “family oriented” story would be a nice change of pace from W.E.‘s political rants. I have tons of hilarious stories about my kids, but thought I would just share one.

Ok, and sorry this is probably major birth control for all you childless people out there.

Background: I have four daughters.

E is 9,   J is 7,   K is 3,    and   S is 2.

They all have their own personalities, but K has been the most crazy of our kids so far. She is tiny weighing the exact same amount as S.

I am not using this as a bragging notation, but as an explanation on this kid’s energy level: she crawled at 4 months, pulled herself up to furniture and walked around it at 6 months, walked by 9. She didn’t sleep a full night until she was about 3. She had had 2 surgeries for her constant ear/sinus/eye infections by the time she was 15 months. This kid kicked my buns as a mom.

2^nd background info: Hubby is a workaholic and travels a lot for work.

3^rd background info: PTA as a “Reflections” contest at the school where kids can enter their “artistic creations” and get awards. Our oldest, E, is a great story writer, so I forced her (kicking and screaming) to enter the contest. She won at the school level and was going to get an award at the regional level. We got a call to come to the awards ceremony. Hubby was out of town. Here’s the story I wrote the night after the ceremony.

This was last year E is 8, J is 6, K is 2 and a half, and S is 1.

Tonight we went to E’s award thing. We wanted to get there early so we could get a good seat, and so we could call Hubby, so we could see about arranging him being able to hear the award thing over the phone from DC. So we all got ready to go. E was supposed to dress up, I told her to go in her room to change, when the kids all came out to the car, I noticed that J and K decided to change and wear a dress too.

So we all got in the car and drove there. We got in the high school auditorium. K had to go potty. E and J saved our seats and K and S and I go to the potty. On the way Hubby called. K got onto the potty and she accidentally leaned back on the potty a bit. and so the pee shot out of the toilet instead of down in the potty. I tell Hubby I’ll call him back. So I cleaned up the mess that got on her dress and the floor. Then I can’t find her panties. I realize that is because she had taken them off with her pants when she changed at home and forgot to put them back on. She had been going commando in a dress. I give her a lecture about how she CANNOT let anyone see her bottom etc etc etc.

Then we walked back to the auditorium. It’s really starting to fill up. Then she announces in a loud voice she needs to go potty. I say “you just went potty.” She YELLS, “But not poop!” Everyone looks at me. I take her out. She stops at the door puts her arms out wide and yells, “No go back!” I say “aren’t we going to the potty?” She says she going is alone. So I have to “trail” her from afar so she doesn’t know I am following her. (she’s only 2!) I stand outside the bathroom. She comes out. Hopefully she went. I notice her sash on her dress is all wet so I guess that went in the pot too.

So we get back to auditorium. K starts asking for a drink. I take her out; now there are TONS of people showing up. I chase her down and bring her back to the water fountain. Hubby calls again. I try to talk to him and lift K for a drink while holding S. Finally she gets 2 sips of water. E and J have come looking for me. We all go back in.

I tell K we are done leaving that the “show” is going to start so we can’t go. K starts announcing that she wants Juice and she wants to go home. I tell her we will go when it’s over. She starts screaming, “It’s over now mom! It’s over!” I just tell her to shhh. Even E is saying “Shhh! K this is embarrassing.” She flips her legs up and I am quickly reminded that she is commando. I grab a diaper (for S) from my purse and slip it discreetly under her dress to put it on her to cover the nakedness. The stupid velcro strap breaks. I am getting frustrated. S is starting to throw fits. I grab a second diaper and put it on Ky. S is now unloading my purse onto the floor. I pick her up and give her a bottle. It’s the only time ever she hates bottles and she is throwing it on the floor, and arching her back, and freaking out. K starts saying she wants to leave again. I look at my watch and grumble to myself that they are now 10 minutes late starting.

Principal finally starts — rambles on and on about boring crap. Hubby has asked me to call him when it looks like they are announcing her category so he can hear over the phone. Principal is rambling, S is fighting and whining and K is turned around in her seat talking the rest of the audience. Finally, the principal, who has been droning on and on in super slow motion about the school and himself, turns into turbo speaker. He says as quickly as humanly possible. “OK let’s start, first category literature (I grab the phone and press talk to call Hubby) from Freestone Elementary E.”

I grab S from flipping off my lap. Reach in pocket to get out camera. When I get camera out and put it up, I realize that E is standing right by me. In that amount of time, E has walked up there, accepted the trophy and come back to our seats. The moment is over. I look at my phone “Dialing Hubby” it says. That’s it, we missed it all. I missed it, I didn’t get a picture, Hubby didn’t get to hear it over the phone. So I sit there wondering what to do now. They had said at the beginning please stay for the whole thing. There are refreshments.

I am trying to grab the stuff S dumped out of my purse ( I am telling myself over and over. I am done having kids… I am done having kids…) All the sudden I look up and K is RUNNING up to the front of the stage to walk up the stairs where she just saw E come from. She has decided she needs to receive an award. I forget the bag and run up to the stage. I grab K just before she ascends the stairs. (of course during every second of this entire story I have S in my other arm remember — or she will be off too) I have both kids in each arm. Kyla is screaming. “no mom no!” Now, EVERYONE in the entire auditorium is looking at me. I get to my chair lean over to E and say WE ARE LEAVING NOW. “NOW?” She whispers back. “NOW” I whisper. “Tell J.” J is enthralled with the awards things. She won’t listen. E yanks on her. “J we are leaving” J finally looks at me. I say “you guys get the coats.” I have both little kids and my purse, my phone and my camera and I bolt to the door. As I move, I kick S’s bottle in the aisle. So I lean over grab that too and bolt again for the door. At the door I check to make sure the big girls followed me. They did .. good. In the hallway, E grabs her story that’s been on display. We get outta there. Boy was I glad to be back in that car!

Hubby calls I have to ask for his forgiveness for not getting him on the phone fast enough.