After the long night of pain…

Comes the blessed day of JOY! And boy was this a great day of JOY for the American Idol auditions, after several weeks of BORING auditions.

eyetvsnapshot2.jpgThen there’s JaySmoove, our resident R&B recording artist. …or as I like to call him GUMS! So… gums, you are totally smooth with the ladies with your super counter-tenor nasty falsetto and your pocket full of sparkles. I’m a little scared to find out what other actromons you have in your pocket.

You know, Gums, your voice wasn’t that bad. I can see where you might even have a small future as a backup fake singer on some really bad gangstah rap music video… but see, there’s just one reason why you’re moment with Idol can’t go any further than this little audition… and it’s purely ORAL in nature!

eyetvsnapshot3.jpgHang on though, we still have to talk about my WOAH-MAAAAN! For the past couple seasons I’ve held at least one special african-american female as my pseudo-girlfriend/alter-ego… and this year I might have found mine in Joanne Borgella… I think I’ll just call her Jelly. Her voice is just a little shrill and girlish for me, though. I usually prefer the girls who i feel can body slam me with their voices, but she’s on my short list. With those other two linebackers who auditioned together… hmm.. what were their names?

Now let’s talk about some new sides we are seeing in Simon. Apparently, he has a soft spot for for animals. He immediately turned into putty in that little southern girl’s hands when she brought in the little puppy.

Then we have the best moment of the season… for once… for once Simon admits that Paula is right, and she admits that she even surprised herself with being right. You just have to see this to believe it!

After a TERRIBLE audition, Paula recommends that this girl (who is trying to sing a Celine song which is WAY too big for her little voice) would much better on a Dolly Parton song. She comes back and actually sounds pretty good, even though she doesn’t appear to understand at all what’s going on! Simon won’t admit it until later but…



Oh yeah, and keep your eye on Chakeasy Easy. He has a great voice that we might enjoy listening to.

Sick of Auditions

It’s official. I’m sick of audition time on AI, and I’m ready to move on to Hollywood week.

These auditions are just a sorry excuse for a moment to see the weirdest of the weird. We don’t even get to see any of the people who are any good. They put through 19 people from Atlanta, but we only saw one that was decent (that I can remember). What a waste!

But let’s talk about our new Giraffe this year. The tall, proud black woman who came in her heels and slipped while doing her dance. Wow!

When will the auditioners realize that most pop stars and great singers don’t bump and grind like they’re on the dance floor of their local club!?

Also, I was glad to see Simon add a new star to the constellation of his phrases: “the bedroom audition.” You know, it’s the one where you only sound good in your bedroom with the album playing loudly. Poor guy, too.  He thought he could best the judging panel in a battle of coolness and wit. Doesn’t he know he’s at a natural disadvantage?!? Idiot.

Now, I did like the rocker biker chick. She was totally for real about the opportunity. She came in, and just did her thing, without laying it on too thick. Silent confidence. Can’t the auditioners learn?

I am now ready to move on to Hollywood week and see some of the real talent blossom, while some of the pathetic stories (like mr living in my car) get drowned off the stage.

I’ll do it myself! Or not.

Recently I’ve been feeling a bit uninspired. I have a lot of things to do; a good solid list of personal tasks, work tasks, and business tasks, but I have been unable to get anything significant done lately. I have been paralyzed by inaction, laziness, and/or TV.

(Perhaps we can blame this on American Idol?)

Which made me realize, I hate it when I get this way because nothing gets done! Why is it that everything in my life I have to actually go and do?!? It seems like nothing is happening by itself these days. Some days I just get sick of going and making stuff happen. Some days, I just want things to happen for me. Is that selfish? Is that lazy?

When I told my mom, “It would be nice if something got done once in my life that I actually didn’t have to go do,” she said “that is called a wife.” Well… maybe.

We all do stuff while on autopilot. We do laundry when we don’t have clean clothes, we do the dishes when they get dirty or when we don’t’ have any clean ones left. We do a plethora of meaningless, everyday, push-the-rock-up-the-hill tasks almost automatically. Then there are the other kind of tasks, work projects, upcoming events, and goals that we have in our front, most of which have a time line or which we just have to do once and get done.

One of my nieces, a very independent spirit, often proclaims, “I’ll do it myself!” This was mostly when she was being dressed. At a very young age (pretty much ever since she began to talk), she had to have supreme control over her wardrobe, which often led to awkward vestments for church and other special events. (maybe Angie will share one or two with us…)

I’ve gone through several times in my life where I’ve been the same way… I’ll do it myself! My way or the highway! Now, though, I am having more days where it sure would be nice to have some things in my life just happen without my intervention…

Is that a wife? Maybe. Maybe this is all part of the plan of getting me to admit I can’t do everything, all the time, by myself.

Oops… Cut too deep. Stop the bleeding. End the post.

I’m Appalled

One of the more recent innovations in “print” media is the ability for readers to leave comments on a story at a newspaper’s website. This has really changed the way we “read the paper.” Not only do we get the writer’s carefully researched and thought out perspective, but we also get the impulsive, knee jerk reactions of any reader who knows how to operate a keyboard.

I often read the Deseret News online, a Salt Lake City newspaper which is owned by my church. Many Mormons give the paper extra status/clout because of it’s church affiliation, so the paper has a pronouncedly slanted readership.

So lately I have noticed that these people who comment on stories on the Deseret News’ website all use the same adjectives OVER and OVER. In fact, it seems like Mormon people seem to recycle these adjectives as the only ones that properly reflect their DEEP and ABIDING feeling.

appalled.jpg“I’m appalled,” stated one reader, “at Governor Hunstman’s endorsement of McCain. He is clearly out of touch.”

“I’m appalled” is my #1 hated phrase. I think people don’t realize how silly it sounds to be so violently opposed to pretty much everything, especially trivial things like a governor’s endorsement, or the blurred printing of an expiration date on a dairy product.

No: I’m appalled at the genocide in Darfur. I’m appalled at the acceptance of Paris Hilton as a member of the human race… everything else can have a lesser gradation of negative emotion.

These dear readers are often and easily “shocked” as well. Anything shocks them. The 300th cloned sheep comes out and they are “shocked.”

Of course, the grand poo bah of all comments come together when someone is both “shocked and appalled” about a certain subject. When this comment is unleashed, for this reader the very foundations of heaven and hell are shaking at the very thought of such a moment in our recorded journalistic history. This person’s head is simply about to explode at the overwhelming feeling they are having toward the story. They are just overcome with a barrage of negative emotion.

So hey everybody… tone down the rhetoric out there a bit, and use words that more accurately reflect your true feelings toward something. Maybe if we all got a little less “appalled” at each other every once in a while, the world might be a better place.

Farewell Brother Hinckley

gordonhinckley3.jpgI will miss the way you used to wave to everyone with your cane.

I will miss your clarity when speaking on religious subjects.

I will miss the simplicity and purity of your personal convictions, of which you so often spoke.

I will miss the simple humility in which you walked around the world, accomplishing miracle after miracle.

I will miss your guiding hand over our great religious endeavor.

I will miss your grandfatherly jokes and wisdom.

I will miss the way in which you were unafraid of any question from any person.

I will miss your warm, disarming responses to those questions.

I will miss the pure love felt through each word you spoke.

I never knew you personally, but join the ranks of the millions who felt like we were your best friends.

God be with you, dear Gordon Bitner Hinckley, until we meet again.

Friday Extra: Shocking Blog Expose!

OK. I’m kind of upset today. The blog had a lot less readership this week. I’m not sure what’s going on out there in America, but my numbers are WAY down – across the board. Fewer comments, fewer visits, fewer love.

And don’t ask me how the statistics measure love, they just do.

I know they done turned this recession thing on. Are you sad because of that? Or is it simply because Brittany is having another custody battle?

So. Today I’m pulling out all the stops for you to read and comment on this blog:

First let me start by taunting you… THBBBTHBBBBT

Now this highly controversial photo of a monkey:

thinkingmonkey.jpg

And now a few political buzzwords:

  • timetable
  • cut and run
  • climate change
  • surge
  • not on my watch
  • evolution vs intelligent design

And to top it all off, some politically incorrect terms:

  • illegal alien
  • oriental
  • white trash

Now if you aren’t incensed enough to comment on this post… well you are just passed feeling!

Let me also say that this is blog number 126. I’d like to thank all those who got me to this point, including Hillary, Bill, and Bono.

My Dad can beat up your Dad

It’s official: the republican base is in a panic.

Those reading the political tea leaves are all calling John McCain the “front runner” now for the GOP nomination heading into Super Tuesday. Rudy bowed out of the race and threw what little support he has behind John McCain (hoping for a VP nod, who knows?)

Real conservatives out there are in a quandary and conniption (both words I spelled wrong… thanks spell checker…). They hate McCain. A lot. In fact, many would rather vote for a Democrat than McCain.

My main problem with McCain is that he trashed my guy, Mitt. Sure Mitt did his share of attack ads, and is seen as cold and unknowable by the others in the republican field, but McCain is an attack dog with a temper. Mitt stuck to the issues, while McCain just lied about him and made personal jabs.

I currently hate McCain because he’s smarmy. I hate his pretend grin. I hate the way that he calls everyone “my friend,” especially in a moment when they aren’t being very friendly. I hate his haughty, glib attitude that can only come from serving for as many years as he has in the US Senate.

In my opinion, Romney is still the best guy for the job, and with the economy continuing on a crash course, he’s the only one on either side I would trust to pull us out of this financial disaster. McCain has admitted his strength is in foreign policy and not on economic matters. Duh… it’s really easy to be the world’s biggest saber rattler! But try being a good economist… not so easy.

So what happens if there’s no Romney Rally on Super Tuesday? What will I do? I have been thinking about this question since Tuesday evening. Could I in good faith support a McCain candidacy? I do claim to be a moderate, and so I shouldn’t have too much to hate McCain over, besides my bruised ego from him beating my guy up.

So the conclusion I came to is: taxes. Whichever candidate I feel like will keep my taxes the lowest, I will end up voting for. As I wrote earlier this week, we’re all pretty much agreed on the problems our nation faces, but I want the government to provide market-based solutions and to tax me as little as possible to make them happen.

And I’m no idiot… no politician would be caught dead saying they would raise taxes in an election year and during this economic uncertainty. So it’s back to the tea leaves and crystal ball, I guess.

So whether that candidate is a republican, democrat, independent, green, libertarian, or even whig, they are getting my vote this fall.

Idol does Omaha

Let’s talk about Chris Burnheisel. Wow… he is like a little nuclear reaction ready to run out of control at any moment. He actually reminds me of Ross the Intern from the Tonight Show. All I can say is poor Fox 42 who now has to put up with his dumb whiny voice.

Some great quotes from last night’s AI episode:

RossTheInternWannabe: <geting more and more exicted> “I would do it in a heartbeat. Oh and I gave them gifts. I GAVE THEM GIFTS! OHHHH and THEY LOVED THEM!”

Simon: <after being given a present> “Can’t we just have money.”

Paula: <getting ready to arm wrestle a Nebraska girl twice her size> “My God, your skin is so beautiful!”

Randy: “No… completely not right… … wrong.”

Simon: <to Paula> “You go be insincere for five minutes so Ryan can be a judge.”

Ryan: <under his breath> “This is the easiest gig ever.”

Simon: “What would your friends say about you entering American Idol?”
Rocker dude: “Well, they obviously want the best for me..”
Simon: “No friends ever do…”

So… after they lambasted Ryan for telling the girl to stop fidgeting, Paula says, “One thing I wil say is that your showmanship need a bit of improvement.” And Simon says, “yeah, that’s a good comment.” Poor Ryan. He’d make a good judge. Maybe me and Ryan can take Randy and Simon’s place in 2 seasons.

Oh and… nice jazz hands and gold lame sparkles. uhhhhhhh

Overall, Oh-maha was unimpressive.  Just a bunch of copycats and wannabes.  No real original voices or personalities.

“Other door”