WhiteEyebrows vs. Women’s Liberation

Last night, as we were settling into bed for the night, my wife informed me that I would sleeping on the north side of the bed. (to be specific, she didn’t say “north”, she said “that” side… mostly because women don’t have any sense of direction… BAM… it’s on!)

We’ve talked and teased about not having assigned sides of the bed quite often.  It’s one of our favorite running jokes.  But last night it particularly struck my funny bone.  So in the heat of the tease, I then assigned her the task of going to turn off the bathroom light, checking all the doors, and making sure the garage door was closed if she was going to be sleeping on the man’s side of the bed.  She responded by turning on the patented female pouty face and started carrying on about being scared of the dark and scared to lock things and shut things.

Baloney.

Sure… the woman can sleep on my side of the bed, but didn’t want my job of walking through and ensuring the security of the domicile?!?  Suddenly, she was uncomfortable with those tasks so often assigned to me!!

After performing my nightly security duty and returning to bed, being on the side I slept in last night, she reached for the remote control to turn the bedroom light off, which is where I drew the line.

“This remote is the man’s property.  All remotes should be operated by a man properly trained in man school,” I insisted.

I commandeered the remote, performed the light-shut-down procedure, and we passed out into blissful slumber.

But it brings up a larger issue I’ve been mulling over for a while…

Women’s Liberation

I love women.  And I love the fact that women today are stronger, smarter, and more capable than ever before.  Women are surpassing men in the level of education they attain, and will soon surpass them in the quality and level of work they do.  Women can do everything!  They have burned bras, broken through glass ceilings, and assumed whatever roles and responsibilities they wanted.  Women have the power!  Many have been amazing single mothers, providers, and nurturers: all wrapped into one.

Congratulations to the Women’s Movement!  Nice work!  You have produced a great product!

I have a problem, though: the fact that women (and society at large) keep labeling men as lazy, dumb, incapable, unchallenged, and basically the lowest being of society.  According to stereotype, the modern man sits at home doing nothing but playing PlayStation, drinking beer, and memorizing sports scores.

Obviously, this is a stereotype, but one which you are carefully forcing the emerging generation into!  The movement has lowered men to second class citizens.  The movement has generated the feeling that men are no longer necessary anymore, as women can pretty much do everything except asexually reprouce. (and trust me, I think they’re working on that one)

I’m here today to say: Ladies, you can’t have your cake and eat it too!  If you want men to be useful, engaged, and worthwhile to you, then you can’t go and take away the few things we actually do and are good at, and then mock us for being useless.  All I’m saying is: Let us cook meat on a grill, pound in nails, and reach the out-of-reach places.  Acknowledge and be grateful for the men in your life who kill humongous spiders, walk through a dark house to check the locks, or change your flat tire.

I’m happy to let you be as successful and wonderful and educated and marvelous.  I will help you succeed all you want.  I will even let you do as many ‘guy’ things as you want.  If you want to kill the spiders instead, go right ahead… but then don’t complain because Men don’t do anything when you’ve taken away every chance of him actually doing anything.

And certainly don’t pretend you get some kind of preferential, soft treatment in your liberated state.  If you want to live in the man’s world, you get the WHOLE ENCHILADA!  Spiders, flat tires, and bad plumbing included.  These items don’t go away just because you want them to.  Similarly, don’t go into the workplace expecting that you’ll get a padded chair on the bullet train to the corner office, just because of your gender.  You get to experience all the beautiful politics and crappy treatment that the rest of us get.

So men of the Internets… I propose a new movement!  The Men’s Liberation Movement.  We have granted our female counterparts the right and ability to do whatever they want – work, kill spiders, etc.  They have taken it, and have now proven we are no longer needed.  We now need to take our liberty.  As long as she doesn’t need you or anything you do, just lock yourself into a room with a large-screen television, sufficient pork rinds to last you a week, and the newest Madden season.

Soon, they will see.  They will all be driving around cars with 10,000 miles and no oil job, lawns that are never mowed, and perpetually clogged toilets.

Then they’ll realize how much they really needed us.

* For the record, I write this post coming from the perspective of a man who truly does feel like his wife acknowledges and values his contributions — even if they are stupid, like locking locks and closing garage doors.  I’m writing this as an overall societal observation, not because I feel this way in my particular relationship. In fact, it’s quite the opposite!